Monday, February 7, 2011

Day 11: Photo Challenge

Day 11: A picture of something you hate.
This about more than just weight.

    My weight is something I have struggled with my whole life. Although now I look back at pictures of me in high school, college and even newly married and think..."What was I thinking!??!?!" I would do anything to be back at that weight. 
     Not that I would trade one pound I gained while pregnant for my son. He was worth ever single one of them...and I am by no means blaming my pregnancy for making me fat...that comes from a combination of things anyone could list..... but this is the one area in my life that I just can not shake the feeling of failure from. Actually it is probably the only area that I constantly feel like I fail at. 
     I have been attending a "boot camp" class since July of last year and while this class has done an amazing job of helping me to build and tone my muscles back up after having a child, and I have lost tons of inches from various parts of my body, the scale seems almost impossible to budge. Since July I have only lost 10 lbs. Yes you guessed it that still leaves me +23lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight 

     I try to watch what I eat and make healthy choices, but I am not going to blow smoke up anyone's arse and say that I am perfect at it. I'm not. And I have a husband who can eat anything without gaining a pound and often wants things for dinner that I wouldn't choose if I was still single, but that compromise is part of being married. I could be content on grilled chicken every night, but my husband needs and wants variety. So that adds to the struggle because I do not have the time, energy or money to make two different meals a night. 
     I have added cardio to my workouts, more so lately than before, and I am working at being more consistent at it, but again I am not perfect. I have realized lately that I am capable of doing more cardio than I originally thought since the birth of my child, and although that has given me a boost in my confidence, my confidence is still swaying. 
     Don't get me wrong. I am not obsessed with hitting a certain number or being a certain weight. I do however know how much more comfortable I am in my clothes and appearance at certain numbers, so it is hard to not say "I want to weigh ____lbs."
     I also worry about my weight because my family history on both sides is not good. Both sides of my family have an incredible sweet tooth. My mom's family seems to carry their weight around their stomach and my dad's family carries it in the hips, butt and thighs. Yeah so you wonder why I am worried. I want to be healthy more than I want to be skinny. I want to be mobile when I am 80 years old and not be complaining that I ache everywhere. I want to be able to keep up with my children and hopefully someday my grandchildren I want to live life to the fullest, not BE the fullest.

     A few weeks ago I was beaming with a new found self confidence that I was running again and that I had lost a fair number of inches over the last month. Then I took a trip to Victoria Secrets with a friend because she wanted to buy something. As I was waiting for her to try things on and make her selections, I was looking around and remembering the entire drawer of cute VS bras that I have not been able to fit in since my pregnancy, and the outfits I had in my closet I wouldn't even think about trying on again right now. Let's just say that wondering a store that you can not buy one article of clothing at because you are the "right size" will slash your confidence faster than a lot of other things.

I hate that feeling...that lack of confidence...the feeling of not being the "right size".... blowing of my husband's compliments because I don't feel worthy of the words he says....I hate feeling like a failure.

I am praying for more confidence, praying for strength, praying for the resolve to get to where I want to be...praying that someday soon I will be comfortable in my own skin and it will take more than a name brand store to shake my confidence.



  1. Amanda, this post makes me hurt for you. I live in that world where I can work out and eat right and never lose an ounce. I gained 36 pounds while I was pregnant with Winston (a hefty sum on a less than 5 foot frame). I ended up with gestational diabetes. I hated myself and I hated my body and I cried when it came time to eat and I hated everything on my plate.

    After Winston was born, I was determined to lose the baby weight and more. And I did lose the baby weight, but my body's shape had changed so much that my clothes still wouldn't fit. So I did the next best thing: I shipped all the clothes that were depressing me off to a friend who could use them. And I bought new ones that fit and flattered my body NOW. (Well, not now, as I'm slowly making my way back into maternity pants.) The extra weight wasn't budging, and I decided to live with it and not make myself miserable. I knew I was healthy. My blood pressure was better than my husband's, and he runs 3-4 times a week.

    Despite that "feel good" attitude I try to put on, I still catch a glimpse in the mirror I don't like every once in awhile. And trying to eat without guilt this pregnancy has been my biggest struggle. I am constantly on the scale, and I'm pretty rough on myself. So I hurt for you and with you when I read this.

  2. By the way, my son has adopted my scale as his new toy. He picks it up and pounds it on the tile floor and throws it across the room. I applaud him every single time. :-)

  3. Kristin! I love the fact he pounds it on the floor!
    I really didn't mean for this post to sound depressing, it is just a post about something I hate.
    90% of the time I am alright with my reality and where I am in life. I would just like that number to be a little higher.
    I never expect for my hips to go back to the way they were before pregnancy although I did hold onto that hope for the longest time.
    I too finally boxed up the clothes that don't fit (and I would say got rid of them, but I might have a garage sale soon so I was waiting to donate them if I didn't) and bought new clothes. And YES new clothes made me feel a 1000x better after having a baby. I mean 1000x better! Best move I ever made! I will not wait that long again after the next child, knowing now how much better it made me feel!

    It is funny how similar some of our experiences and struggles have been. I gained 48 lbs with Noah and I walked 3-5 miles 4 times a week throughout my whole pregnancy! I mean up until a day or two before I had him!
    It has never been easy for me to lose weight no matter what I have tried.

    Sorry this reply is such ramblings. My thoughts are scrambled from being tired and yet having a million things I need to get done.

  4. It wasn't depressing, I promise. Just honest and something I can completely relate to. Especially now that I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I'm SUPPOSED to gain weight. And it's giving me mental issues. :-)