Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity.
I know that this insecurity comes from growing up in a divorced family. I have no reason to feel or believe that Wesley's wants to ask me for a divorce, now or in the future, yet the thought is almost always present.
Don't get me wrong.
- I do not blame my parents. I had a wonderful childhood even though my parents didn't live in the same house and I had twice the amount of parental advice given to me during my teenage years. Of course I wondered what it would have been like if my parents had stayed together, but I know that I would not be the person I am now if that was the case. There were things I would have changed about my childhood, but I think it is safe to say anyone could say that.
- I do not need a guy to feel whole. I can and have lived on my own and gotten by just fine.
- I know that Wes loves me unconditionally and without any reservations, for which I am and forever will be grateful.
- I do not look down on anyone who has gotten divorced. I believe that it is a personal choice and nothing to judge another person on. It is heart wrenching enough without others criticizingly your every move. But my heart is sad and does ache for anyone who has considered it, gone through it, and is still living with that shadow over their shoulders.
The whole idea of divorce just chews at my soul. It bites at my core and challenges everything I really believe in. The thought of someone that you have shared everything with and poured your trust, love, and life into, turning around one day and basically telling you it was all a waste of time just makes my heart hurt. I know that every situation is different, but I can not get over that feeling.
Wes and I have had this conversation about me being very insecure about this topic, so I feel free to share it. I am so vulnerable in this area. I know that jumping to the thought of divorce is not a normal reaction to have when two married people fight, but that is where my mind immediately goes. If Wes raises his voice (yes i said it...Wes and I are not perfect) my first thought isn't to be mad because his voice is raised, or to consider what I just said to him....although that does come later, but my first thoughts are that 'I am not good enough', 'smart enough', 'thin enough', 'he is over our relationship', 'he wants out', ' he wants a (gulp) divorce'...so then I get hurt, say things I don't mean, cry and guard myself and my heart even more.
Bottom line, Insecurities suck. They will never get you to better places and rarely help you out in life let alone your closes relationships. I am a work in progress and I hope that one day my insecurities will be gone and the ugly thoughts will vanish and only leave room for all the love that is staring me in the face.
Despite how common it is today, divorce is still a bit of a taboo subject. I've been the butt of a lot of jokes, seeing as how I was twice divorced by the time I was 23. But it's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand what happened. Now, being married for a third time in what appears to be a stable relationship (LOL), I am always on the edge of my seat, waiting to be served papers with no warning. It doesn't matter that we don't fight and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. I'm always waiting. So I get your insecurity. It's a tough one.
ReplyDeleteAwwee Kristin I am sorry that people find it funny to make fun of another person's pain. I don't think that this subject is really a laughing matter no matter how short lived or long lived the relationship and no matter the reasons for the divorce. I am glad you are now in a "stable" relationship and really seem to be enjoying your marriage! Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete